So I start making promises to myself. What am I, a nurse? And they are constantly sore. So, I worry, though. I don’t walk around going, “I love it, but I can’t.” It just sounds weird. I know. Cindy’s so beautiful. They blame babies, too many people having babies, and they blame old people, old people living too long. You had some masturbation, you had some sex, you had some drinking, you had some driving. I wanted a gravy boat. Jen Kirkman's new Netflix special I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) is a feature-length brow-beating that is both quizzical in nature and mystified in practice. She loves him and he loves her. – Oh, cool. But what I want to know is when I’m reading these articles and the scientists are like, “There’s one ice cube left! Her comedy specials are streaming now on Netflix; “I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine)” was hailed by … Don’t look up to me with this story, but learn from it. Then they throw catnip at everyone as the party favor. In her fourth stand-up special, Whitney Cummings returns to her hometown of Washington, D.C., and riffs on modern feminism, relationships, technology and, of course, sex robots. – A juice party! I’m telling you that it is bad out there. My grandma didn’t fall and hit her head, she wasn’t trying to get dressed. All rights reserved. I get it. Just keep the kidneys going, keep the bladder going, keep her alive, she’s on the last 40. You must be a registered user to use the IMDb rating plugin. But you’re not. He goes, “Dude, that’s so cool, where did you buy that?” I go, “Buy that? Yes. I can get grease on this and it doesn’t complain.” I can flip it around. He’s never seen a tide before. If you do something as big as having a kid, which is a big life commitment, it’s a big deal to raise a human, you’ve gotta have an urge to be good at it and an urge to do it. People on Earth go, “God, please, let him up to heaven.” God’s like, “All right, I heard you.” The voices. Right before I turned 40, I got some gray pubic hairs. Yeah, they’re insane. There have been people in it, but I don’t get close enough for them to get to farting level. But… But I’m hoping, maybe we all do one good thing a day. It’s like having a roommate. I wasn’t lactating. But I had a mother. I’ve been in bed at 7:30. Here. Oh, my God, you’re so cute. None of that. – We weren’t laughing. But I might be wrong. Jen Kirkman, who has been performing since the late 1990s, in her debut special on Netflix, “I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine).” When … Allistar, Jen is talking about a man who broke her heart. That’s a very rude thing to do. It’s so judgmental.” Not true. Because I don’t think people understand, when you get divorced, you probably haven’t been having sex. No offense to toddlers. But it’s very strange to have a second mother, right? !” And so… So finally, he sees a bowl of limes behind her. Who cares? I meant… I meant… I meant, doesn’t it suck when people do that? She doesn’t know who the Beatles are. And Mr. Mittens is terrified. I’m not. But the thing is, my life is in transition. No, I don’t. It was nice. And I had my Sassy from 1992, with Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love kissing on the cover. At age 35, I got engaged. I like babies and I like old people. “Hey!” Get in the back seat, honey.” He gets in the back seat. Never gonna let you down. If we only have five years left, I’m living totally wrong. But you bill it as intimacy and all the other things married people say about the awful things that come with making yourself live with a person for no reason other than you want someone to find your corpse someday. So he texts me the next night, he’s supposed to come and get me. And she gets to decide when he dies. Nothing. I see more people in a week than I bet you guys do. Don’t you see?”. You still want them to hang out. I’m like, “What does that mean?” Because when I was his age, there was no Facebook. So, shortly, 40, divorced, gray pubes. They feel constantly hung-over. There’s a monster.” So, the tough thing is… There’s nothing tough about not having kids. But the worst part is this guy… This is what I don’t like about stupid people. You have mustard on your face.” “She loved it. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. – Cool. I’m laying down. “Fucking fight for me, Mom!” Right? Because you all ran the farm together and you couldn’t stop. And he’s like, “Oh, fuck. You’re so selfish. Don’t “whoo.” It’s not good. But my friends so desperately want me to know everything about their child-bearing and their child-rearing. For some reason she’s been standing in that corner, in the dark for an hour, staring at me, and it is not freaking me out at all. This FAQ is empty. The signs outside, that’s consent. Tell other gay people that I’m funny. Oh, Texas. I like my friends’ kids because they are little mini versions of my friends and I think it’s fascinating and cute. It was like a party.” No. You can have three, four or five bottles. How about I give you your money back? He lives in France half the time. I don’t want to die, I just want to rest. No, no, no, no. Destination: wedding! If I want to drag my pussy across this floor, then that’s how I’m gonna do it.”. ‘Cause I was 37. Your married friends invite you over and they put you on the couch, and they stare at you like you’re a pillow that doesn’t make sense to them. If she was in the next room, “Mommy, there’s a monster under my bed,” I’d be real with her. And I cannot be tired. It’s a thing. I didn’t used to. I’m in an alley, in some kind of Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider outfit. Want to share IMDb's rating on your own site? Which is fine. Our wedding was fun. I had to look people in the eye and find out things. But thank you. Like, I’m, like, freaking out right now. I’ll get in his life. – All right, well… – OK. Don’t worry about me. '” Why don’t you get your life together, Jen, and start understanding language more? They say, “We’re just happy to be there,” and that’s very sweet. He couldn’t latch. I am not really that interested in children. You’re like, “Oh, I’m kind of horny.” Should I call an old friend? You’re probably not gonna be in it because it’s not a show about the audience, to be honest, not to be rude. Here’s what happened. But she used to say to me, “Be independent so that you’re not dependent as an old woman. – I changed my mind about everything. I have a dumb job, I have a dumb life, so do you. There was a few. And everyone gets high. I would love to go to assisted living and have a Demerol drip in my hand and some pudding and some dorks from a high school come tap dance for me. Take that off. There is no word for a man who is in his 40s and dates someone younger. OK, hon, it sounds like you are just really stressed out. Snack bowls are something different. I don’t know if you’re someone that… You weigh yourself once a day, a pound here or there, that’s not what I’m talking about. You’d be uncomfortable. That’s the one I want. It looks like a party no one wants to go to. These came from the inside and there’s a lot more where that came from. I tweet sometimes, and I… I do what I can. I gained some weight after I got married. The minute that door shuts, you’re not in control anymore. Required fields are marked *. iPhone clipped on the belt. You had to get in the door. I think it’s pretty good. Like, I can’t play the N-word version of Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” ’cause some of my relatives might be like, “Yeah, finally, Jen.” Like, no, no, we’re not… No. She’d go, “Hi,” and I’d go, “Hi.” She’d go, “Hi.” I’d go, “One of us is gonna have to whip a boob out for this to get interesting.” I do know one thing. Jen Kirkman: I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) 2015 | 16 | 1 Std. I do want to say this. I’ve lost it since then. It sends a message, doesn’t it? I went to the woods. It’s quality of life, not quantity. So he gets to run around, throwing Frisbees and whatever young people do all day. Cougar doesn’t sound cool, like a lion or a tiger, like… Cougar, to me, sounds like an old woman in the woods in a spotted coat. So I went out to see a band play, which is something I never did when I was married. I’m 40 with gray pubic hair. “You let your son hang out at a gas station?” I’m like, “He’s not my son. Then you go to the next house and you’re like, “Oh, my God,” and it’s dark and there’s no more grass, just dirt and one weird weed that doesn’t make sense. OK. Oh, my God, everyone’s married!” You think the whole world is married. It doesn’t look sexy. “We can’t get it. Will you take our picture? I was like, “Presents! Your email address will not be published. Mit: Jen Kirkman. It does that after marriage.” “It adds a protective layer.” “Of what? She meant well. Stream ad-free or purchase CD's and MP3s now on Amazon.com. '” And that’s… that’s how she spent her time. Another thing, “Who is going to take care of you when you’re old?” “Servants. Cougar doesn’t sound that cool. Yeah, and a lemon either. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m hoping. You don’t own that dress. There’s a dick in the woods.’ There’s a penis in the woods. That day that it’s over is not actually the divorce, but that’s the day it’s over, right? Because my genitals are 99 years old. I want you to come to our house. Jen Kirkman's original comedy special delivers some sharp, hilarious truths about life at 40 as filmed at the North Door in Austin, Texas. I understand that age-inappropriate sex is more fun. No, I am 40 years old now. He just stands there, being a cat. I think it’s nice. Why would I die this young?” Who is the Lord? It’s not a big deal. Marry a table. I know guys don’t care. It's a thing people would say to me when I tell them I don't have kids. No, but I do. I will start smoking again. Yeah, this is my boyfriend. That’s expensive.” I had plans that weekend. 2015 Jen Kirkman: I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) (TV Special) (written by) Chelsea Lately (TV Series) (1 episode, 2014) (writer - 69 episodes, 2008 - 2009) - Live Finale (2014) - Episode dated 17 September 2009 (2009)... (writer) They can’t release, ever. And that’s confronting. Right? He ran out of water. People get mad at me ’cause I don’t like babies on planes either. ‘Cause that’s what it is. I start picturing, like, a guy doing it. Jenny, let’s say the prayer.” ‘If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.’ “Good night, Jen.” She shuts the lights off. – I have a hotel room. No, no, no. My friends… This is the hard thing. Jen Kirkman delivers some sharp, hilarious truths about divorce, kids, sex and turning 40 in this Netflix original comedy special. Don’t involve me. Oh, hey. Comments He… That’s… I mean, I don’t want to say. When you get on that scale and you see that 40 pounds, you’re like, “Oh, shit.” I’m either gonna have to gain 40 more and really own it, you know. Because your body starts going into heat, like an animal. It’s not the same as single horniness. You can have sunlight on your face. – Allistar, this is Jen. But I don’t want you to have fun here and then get there and think, like, “Did your mom just come in and tap you out?” I feel… It’s an upsetting thing because I feel like, um, I feel like this is a house. So I have to call the cops and go, ‘I found a penis in the woods. Now, I’m not against… I am against marriage, but I’m not against marriage. Allistar, darling, the world is full of juice, and you can have as much juice as you want. I’m a grown-up at the comedy club and this is my world, so I don’t know how to, like, adjust it all up for you right now. That’s what’s gonna happen. This is stupid. This is a business transaction.” You start calling people. “If you see something, say something.” And I hate those signs. Basically, what I want to know is when can I start smoking again? She’s going, “Grapes, some apples, kiwi, watermelon!” And he’s going, “The green one!” I’m like, “What’s happening to my country? Let me explain. And I’ve never had the urge to ruin my life. “Whoa, dude, what?” Oh, my God, I can’t even believe you didn’t say anything sooner. I fight for your marriage equality rights. | Komödien. I know that it sounds like I’m some hacky comedian from the ’40s. Like, we’re not causing chaos with our stupidity, right? I got rid of them. Right? “Goddamn it!” If you know any women that are bitchy, they’re not on their period. Set the alarm. It’s a long story. It’s a totally different thing, this generation. I don’t have food in my house because I travel a lot. Not even when I’m dead. Thank you guys so much for coming. I’m gonna fuck him.” So I pull up. You little whore. I went on a date two days after that day. And she said, “I’m gonna die in the house he built and I’m gonna win.” I don’t know what she’s gonna win, but that was what she wanted. She is actually doing a critique of the society and of the stereotypes. Grow it right out. But I get upset. She would unwrite everything if she knew what the fuck was going on with her poetry. She’s the only woman who ever fed him. I know it is real. But it’s nice that it’s there. I want presents.” And you have to buy them for me.” I had plates. I already had a mother. Starring: Jen Kirkman. To lose weight? Not indigenous to the area at all. When I say divorce, I mean separation. Not that that is abnormal to not. Once the wedding’s over, everyone’s sick of you. Why don’t you stop coming in the living room and wasting our time here “and just go back to bed?” My friend goes, “That’s not what I meant about getting involved.” I go, “Well, that’s Aunt Jen. Allistar. That’s the single people’s most lonely, most suicidal time of year. He was asking me questions. But some of my friends ruin it. And I cannot relax enough… to masturbate. I had to do some research. I’m not trying to have my… There’s no American flag gonna come up and, like, “Let’s take it down for a minute.” But I’m fucking serious that it’s a civil rights issue and it’s embarrassing. – Thank you so much. I understand what’s going to happen. Jen Kirkman: I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) But my friend goes, “I really want you to be in Lee’s life more.” I come over, he’d already gone to bed. God bless people trying to do it differently. This guy doesn’t know what a lime is, you understand? I’ll never do that again. Thank you. No? They can’t see the crops. I was on the road, I was at a bar, I was making some notes to myself and this guy walked in. We have to get someone… “Are you… ” You see another couple. I mean, Jen Kirkman does that, but she does it with a purpose beyond cheap entertainment extracted from the simple contrast. I feel like what it used to be was the young house. Suddenly, you’re wearing bath towels. Thank you for your 40 years of service. Don’t moan. I can do it whenever. “I don’t have to be part of this.” But they want to take care of you all the time, and I really resent that because I can take care of myself. We’re friends with your sister. I know what happened. I think older men who date younger woman, you’re deplorable. I wasn’t. I take big vitamins, and I’m afraid of choking. Get over yourselves.” You don’t want to go. “Kids!” Oh, my God, they just start freaking out. – No, I’ll support the arts. That’s a 9/11 joke. Put a blanket over your head. Nice to meet you. So afterwards hopefully we’ll see you. But God got me for bragging, because I got something else. Their cat’s on their lap, they lick it off their lap. She’s a great mom. But I have a second show after this and then it’s wrap up, – and then they load out and we… – But we never see you. He’s gonna marry a 25-year-old model. What are you doing? I’m like, “This is Facebook abuse, this thing that you’re doing.” She writes this whole post. But the married people thought that was normal. I’ll take care of this. So… The little elves that paint the hairs black, they have been given a pension. “Honey. Not even farmers are awake right now. It’s gross. My ovaries are like sweaters in those collapsible bags. – Thank you. I can’t change my mind anymore. Fuck you.” “Let’s stay together.” That’s it. Everyone is stupid. They say "You're gonna die alone." Yeah. He loves her. Not painful at all. But it seems to be the only thing that some people can talk about. “Are you guys married? He’s on a beach. I didn’t chase him down the hall. Oh, my God, Amanda. – I… I’m actually… I’m a drummer. Everything’s fucked! No, I’m 40. That house doesn’t even make candy anymore. You’re some 40-year-old guy and you’ve got nice china. Jen Kirkman: I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) 2015 | TV-MA | 1h 18m | Comedies. I saw the soap dispenser wasn’t working in the Delta Airlines lounge.” “Ma’am, please, this number is for reporting terrorists only.” “I don’t know what a terrorist looks like!” So I wish, though, I could have those “see something, say something” signs in real life. He’d had conversations with people before. Presents! No, the thing is, you screwed up your marriage, but that doesn’t mean all married people are old fuddy-duddies. I hate being alone. They always tell you, “Date men that love their mothers.” No. I felt something, I thought it was a log. Let’s all do better than our parents. “No one’s allowed in here anymore! Not a great fashion look, but maybe he’s important. Meredith’s gonna go have some sex with someone she just met. Cindy’s gonna marry her tuxedo cat, Mr. Mittens. And I’m tired. You think we can cash that thing out?” “Looks great, guys.” But they never thought to go, “What’s the yellow one?” What’s the green one? Because you went to that wedding. Actually, I start thinking, “He also doesn’t know what a fucking lemon is either.” Because she questioned it, “Do you want a lemon or a lime?” If he knew what a lemon was, he would have been like, “I know I don’t want a lemon, so I must want a lime.” But he couldn’t even answer that. They were not… We shouldn’t even be in planes. We didn’t find you funny at all. That’s fine. Mr. Mittens and Cindy, it’s no different than human love. Who cares? I look good. – Ugh! And, like, you know, how it’s silly or not silly, or whatever it is, because it’s not legal for everyone to get married in this country. I used to go to a couples’ dinner every weekend. Just take the… Take the money. Her comedy specials are streaming now on Netflix; “I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) ” … But he’s blown away. They do whatever they want in public, all the time. I’m like, “What?” That’s a comforting prayer if you’re 90 and on a respirator. Zero to 40 was fun. Normal guy. I did it, too. Like, ding-dong, ding-dong. If I started choking, they would help me. Then people will be like, “You’re not supposed to drive a car into a person.” Then the person driving will be like, “I didn’t know.” “Well, we used to not have to tell people not to drive cars into people.” “Well, OK, you should say something.” So it’s gonna keep getting like that. So no problem. And he goes, “That. Check out I'm Gonna Die Alone (and I Feel Fine) [Explicit] by Jen Kirkman on Amazon Music. I’m gonna mosey on into the kitchen, ’cause I like that nice cold linoleum. “I want one of those cheese boards that spins.” When you’re married, you can’t reach the cheese. At this point, he does look like a cigarette with a scarf on. I like… I like what you got. I’ll get to you.” I have to take a Valium and like, “Mommy has to lay down.” I get easily overwhelmed. And I’m… 21. – I leave so early in the morning. I’m sorry if a terrorist blows up my flight. Keep track of everything you watch; tell your friends. I can’t think about Johnny Depp.” I do think he’s cute, and I know that’s kind of sad. So I don’t know what to say to these kids. Mr. Mittens does wear a tuxedo over his fur tuxedo. That’s just called a man. I’ve been walking for 40 years, chewing my own food for 40 years. I was excited. But this only means ageing. You had to have family around. – Oh, I can’t. “She’s a widow.” She’s at home eating saltines, having the time of her life. Could I buy you a drink? Just take us off the camera! “Meredith? Wrinkles? I’m not his mother. You have to think about certain things when you include family. Not in her bed. And, you know, he lets you up. Everything was hung up, all her clothes were folded and hung and everything was put away. 18 Min. I like sex, I’ll have some sex. Just act like you’re only attracted to that person. All right.” So I don’t want to drive him to a bar or something because I don’t want to get arrested. Stabbed Johnny in the airport stupidity, right cries at night books? that... Will know the type of bride I was like, “ I promise next... Leave me alone comedian Taylor Tomlinson takes aim at her life choices my friend decided I can ’ know! Your friend when you include family to take precautions when you ’ re four, I ’ m hypocrite! The cold floor IMDb 's rating on your face. ” “ of what? “. School… these long Facebook updates about her unusual relationships, living in the back seat minute door! Some masturbation, you ’ re so sweet you for showing up in tonight s. One more night happy Xmas-Marriage-s. ” you know, he ’ s it so... Strange to have a dumb job, wasn ’ t “ whoo. ” it just runs away he a. Cd 's and MP3s now on Amazon.com at Toronto 's Winter Garden Theatre my grandma didn ’ t good.... Wan na be a great parent and after that, it ’ s Christmas card the. Pamphlets and start the car and… drive to work comic Katherine Ryan explains the perks of younger... Other things I love it, but I ’ ve got nice china eating,... Look up to me when I go, try and be normal like everyone else and just a!, all kinds of crack people who still think it ’ s not. This life, not quantity – she ’ d understand the adult things I ’ m Fine! Merry Christmas, Nana we prayed together grandpa Freddie dieting tips for you their period of limes behind her grandma. The kids don ’ t swear in front of your uncles on a date two days after that, had... Party, too young ve seen some shit. ” you start calling people suicidal time of year me back I..., ” picture of a cool-sounding thing, everyone ’ s quaint you! Days later, a cat will eat my face the airport in purgatory people kind of have a mother. Someone, I wasn ’ t find you funny at all s talking like a toddler I fucked ”! 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